The Ultimate Betrayal of the Church: What Was Done in Jesus’ Name

What was done in Jesus’ name is far worse than what was done to him.

What I have come face to face with disgusts me beyond description.
I didn’t want this to be true.
I didn’t ask for this reckoning.
But then again, maybe I did.

Because once you see through the primary illusion and truly, deeply understand you are NOT separate from God — really see it — you can’t look away.
And all other illusions become undeniable as well.

This isn’t a gentle remembrance. This is a reckoning.
A sacred confrontation. A holy fire.

The very place I was told I’d find God turned out to be the deepest betrayal of all.
The church.
Fundamental lies about what Jesus actually taught are the norm.
A business built on shame, control, and unworthiness.
A system that tried to control access to God.
And did a damn good job… until I was willing to walk away and look elsewhere for truth.

As a child, I loved Jesus.
I sang to Him with my whole heart.
Trusted him.
Believed in Him with a heart so pure it breaks me now to think of it.

And yet…
I also believed I was going to hell.

Because that’s what I was taught.
That I was born bad. Sinful. Already wrong.
That God was angry.
That Jesus had to die because of me — because I was hopelessly sinful.

What child can bear that weight?
What heart can hold that kind of condemnation and still feel safe to love God?

And if I didn’t believe the story exactly as they told it, I’d be doomed forever.

I was just a child.
So I believed it. All of it.
I took it as truth.

It got in my body.
My bones.
It shaped how I saw myself, the world, and what was possible.

Now?

Now I’m sick with what I’ve realized.
Sickened by the magnitude of the lie.
Sickened by how many innocent children were — and are — spiritually abused and told it was love.
Sickened that the greatest betrayal of Jesus wasn’t his crucifixion — it was what was done in his name.

And still — people defend it.
Still — churches protect abusers.
Still — the shame system marches on, weaponizing the soul’s deepest longing for connection and belonging.

The Jesus I know is still with me — unshaken, unowned, unweaponized.
But the institution that claimed to represent him?
That’s what betrayed us.

I’m not here to be nice about it.
I’m here to tell the truth.

The real Jesus never left me.

But the church?
That house of illusion, that business built on shame, that empire of control —
That’s what has sickened me beyond belief.

And I will not return to it.
I will expose it at every turn.
Because I refuse to let the lie speak louder than the love I still know is real.

And now, I’m healing.
Not through forgiveness of what’s unforgivable.
But through truth.
Through grief.
Through burning it all down until only what’s real remains.